What Helps 2: Not Talking Much!

An Irish doctor, Michael Murphy, started the hospice movement in America. I found his book (Wisdom of Dying: Practices for Living by N. Michael Murphy) very instructive. He and his colleagues put much energy into getting family meetings to happen near the end of the dying person's life, perhaps with only days or weeks to go. Sometimes it worked well and some times not. His main aim was to give the family the opportunity to resolve something in a relationship. This was most often something that needed to be said by one or another in the family. Often one sentence or a few sentences were enough to change the energy in the room and to allow either or both the dying person and the family to let something go, to find some peace in themselves and in relationship. Again and again, there were examples of this in his book. Only a few words making a huge difference. I think the same applies to a conversation you might have with a grieving person after someone has died. A few words could make a huge difference.

What Helps 1: Talking

People have been saying to us for a long time that they are amazed by how well we have coped with our loss. And for a long time, I have asked myself the same question. I realise that there is probably not a single source of coping for me but very many. As they come to mind, I will write a little note about them here. Thus this is number one.
I have always liked any opportunity to talk about Maeve and to remember her quirky, loveable and sometimes frustrating personality. Our radio disappeared for about a month once and she finally admitted that she had installed it in the garden next door. Mainly, she did not like listening to the adult stuff it produced. We recovered it but, of course, it never played again.
Remembering and recounting such stories has helped greatly. On a few occasions, I tried to let people or groups know in advance that I wanted to talk about Maeve or our grief if they wanted to. I did this as casually as I could usually by mentioning some little thing about her or briefly finding some excuse to use her name. Otherwise, I sometimes ended in a situation where the subject of Maeve's death was studiously avoided. I think people needed some kind of indication or permission that I would talk about her.
Fortunately also, I work in the counselling field and have many good listeners among my friends.

After Maeve World Premiere

Frank , Jan, Kevin Coyne and Anne Coyne (Frank's sister) celebrating world premiere of After Maeve at Guth Gafa Film Festival in Donegal earlier this year (May 2006). The final lighthouse scene of the film was filmed at Fanad Head, Co. Donegal where Frank's father and mother met. He was a lightkeeper. She was the sister-in-law of the principal lightkeeper.

Learning from difficulty

One of the things I have learned in the past few years is that it is really only through difficulty that some things are learned. Our culture doesn't seem to acknowledge this, and we certainly don't wish difficulties for our children, in fact we do all we can to avoid them being placed in a situation which leaves them feeling uncomfortable. But I know that many of the things I drew on in facing Maeve's death had been developed during previous hard times, for example during depression in my teens, and during the period of hard work and adjustment after Tara was born with Down syndrome.
I also know that the person that I become through each hard time feels more rich and interesting and grounded than before. (Though not straight away!)
Maybe we should wish that we/ our children/ people could be given the resources to grow through their difficulties, instead of wishing to spare them from them.

Personal Email Messages

Robyn, Frank and Tara have received many personal messages from people (of all ages) in Belgium following the broadcast of After Maeve in that country. It has been great for them to receive these overwhelming messages of love and support. I think for all of us it really reinforces the decision to make the documentary.

Upcoming Broadcasts in Ireland and Australia

After Maeve will be broadcast on Irish television RTE on Tuesday 12 Sept 2006 at 10.10pm.

 

The film will be broadcast on Australian television SBS on Thursday, 21 September at 8.30pm.

After Maeve DVD availability

After Maeve on DVD will be available from distributors Marcom from 1 September 2006 according to their website but date may change. You can preorder. The film producers are Big Island Pictures (Mark Chapman). The sponsors for the film include SBS Australia and RTE Ireland, Film Finance Corporation and Pacific Film and Television Corporation.

"After Maeve" Documentary Launch

After Maeve was launched last night at the Schonell Theatre, in Brisbane. 350 people attended. Despite the sadness of our story, the evening was a celebration of our journey and of the sensitive way in which Jan Cattoni directed the film. Already the film has been broadcast in Israel and in Belgium just this week. Following the broadcast in Belgium, we had 12,000 hits on www.planetcreature.com in the following 24 hours. Posts also on our discussion site www.aftermaeve.com .
We have been thrilled by the response. The film shows the emotional struggles of our family and the relentless bubbling up of joy and creativity despite the misery of losing one's child. It also shows the journey of the Bumbletown council, Maeve's friends, as they come to terms with the loss.
Robyn, Jan and I are starting this blog as a way to document what might come out of the response to the movie as it gets broadcast in Ireland and Australia. What kind of themes come up in the emails and messages we receive?
Already we have had many messages from others who have had similar losses and who feel comforted by our film. Also messages from people who love to see the way we embrace life rather than sink under the weight of sorrow that was also a possibility.
What else will we post here? We will have to wait and see.