What Helps 1: Talking
People have been saying to us for a long time that they are amazed by how well we have coped with our loss. And for a long time, I have asked myself the same question. I realise that there is probably not a single source of coping for me but very many. As they come to mind, I will write a little note about them here. Thus this is number one.
I have always liked any opportunity to talk about Maeve and to remember her quirky, loveable and sometimes frustrating personality. Our radio disappeared for about a month once and she finally admitted that she had installed it in the garden next door. Mainly, she did not like listening to the adult stuff it produced. We recovered it but, of course, it never played again.
Remembering and recounting such stories has helped greatly. On a few occasions, I tried to let people or groups know in advance that I wanted to talk about Maeve or our grief if they wanted to. I did this as casually as I could usually by mentioning some little thing about her or briefly finding some excuse to use her name. Otherwise, I sometimes ended in a situation where the subject of Maeve's death was studiously avoided. I think people needed some kind of indication or permission that I would talk about her.
Fortunately also, I work in the counselling field and have many good listeners among my friends.
posted by Frank Coughlan @ 4:35 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Fiona,
thanks for being the very first to comment on our blog.
I think I should add that there will always be grieving people who will not want to talk about their dead relative or friend. But if one takes it lightly, it is easy enough to ask (most of the time). For example a brief reference to the loved one who has died might be enough to get a conversation started. In my case, I might say: "If Maeve were here, I bet she would...". Or a friend of mine might say: "Something reminded me of Maeve today..." I think people are often afraid of getting it wrong when saying something to the grieving person. And so they may not say anything. I have held back in this way myself in the past. But not so much now.
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